Once upon a Final fantasy
by s2.Gackt-sama
Summary: Our ffVII heroes end up trapped in some weird and twisted fairytales! And they ALL have a part to play! Endless combination of pairings, but mostly shounen ai.


Once upon a final fantasy.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned final fantasy do you really think I'd be doin a fanfic on it...? I don't think so...

**Introduction:**** Hi! Hi! My first FFVII so please be nice! Anyway as you know I'll be putting our favourite ffVII characters into our most beloved fairytales! If there are any specific fairytales you want our heroes to star in, please let me know Just to let you know there will be many different combination pairings (so I can hopefully please all you guys) most will be yaoi/shounen ai pairings tho (for the fangirls). Anyway please review to tell me if I should keep going. Thanx **

Chapter 1: Cinderella Strife.

Once upon a time in the thriving kingdom of Midgar lived a young man by the name of Cloud Strife. He lived in a small cottage with his Evil stepmother-er-father Sephiroth and his three annoying stepsisters/brothers/sisters (whatever!) Yazoo, Loz and Kadaj.

Over the past few years Cloud had become a slave to his evil Stepfather Sephiroth. Every day Cloud would tend to his family's needs, do their chores, lose to them in combat on purpose and listen constantly to Kadaj's whining and Sephiroth's gloating. Everyday Cloud had to collect the coal for the fire, which always covered him in soot and cinders, thus he was named 'Cinderella' from his three annoying-as-hell stepsisters.

One day the prince's noble messengers Reno, Rude and Elena arrived at the door with a royal proclamation. There was to be a ball hosted by King Angeal for his son prince Zack to find a bride! Both male and female were invited because...well the King was pretty damn desperate!

The red-headed messenger presented four invitations.

"So...I guess I gotta give ya these invi-"

Before the young man could finish the invitations were snatched out of his hand and the door slammed in his face by an ecstatic Loz. Outside the messenger Reno pulled out a tazer and waved it around in the air in frustration.

"HEY! That was damn RUDE!!"

The bald and laid-back messenger spoke up. "It wasn't me."

"No I meant-aw shut up!"

The oldest stepsister ran around the house clutching the invitations to his very flat chest. "Look! Look everybody! Invitations to the ball! I'm gonna marry the prince!" He yelled.

In a matter of nanoseconds the room was filled with the rest of the family. Everyone that is except young Cloud who clearly wasn't interested. He had found a better pastime...looking for bite bugs **(I know...ffVIII)** to stash in his stepsisters closet. Hearing Loz cry in a shrill voice always made him feel a little better.

Before he could, however he was dragged down to the small living room, where he had to listen to his stepfather's droning about how they could become instantly loaded if the prince would pick one 

of his stepdaughters. As the ball was tonight, Cloud would have to help his sisters get ready in time for the ball.

As guessed Cloud wasn't allowed to attend. He couldn't care less, though.

"But I'm the oldest so I get the PINK dress!!"

"But you're the ugliest! So the pink dress goes to ME!"

"It's goes to ME because _I_ _am_ the prettiest and_ I_ have the longest hair!"

'_Not down there I bet...'_ Cloud thought numbly getting all the pink accessories he could find to substitute for pink dress that Yazoo had won (by slapping the other two into the next century).

In a few hours all stepsisters and father were dressed in the appropriate attire. Make-up was then applied taking up another few hours. Cloud was absolutely exhausted!

Sephiroth led the three sisters to the door, and shot Cloud a sneer. "Have fun Cinderella!" He then shut the door loudly and in a matter of minutes, they had left.

Cloud sighed and grabbed his huge buster sword from the broom closet (where he hid it) to practice losing. Before he could begin, however he heard a gunshot upstairs in the bedroom.

"What the hell!?"

Cloud ran up the stairs to see a pale man in a floating cape. He had lustrous raven hair, scarlet eyes and with his gauntlet he was holding a long barrelled gun. The mirror was shattered by a silver bullet.

"What the hell are doing!?" Cloud spat staring at the mirror. "You can't just come in here and shoot things you bastard!"

The ghostly pale man replied in monotone. "The name's Vincent. I called you a few times...you didn't answer so I shot stuff."

Cloud put a hand though his chocobo hair. "Ok...so what the hell are you? And what do you want?" He asked pointing an accusing finger at the man. He then took a step back. "Uhh...your not hear to suck my blood are you?"

The man with the ragged up cape shook his head. "No. I don't drain fags." He said. "Anyway, Cinderella You shall go to the ball!"

"Not interested." Cloud began to walk back through the doorway when he noticed in a flash of light, his scraggly clothes turned into a smart white suit. He stared at it in awe...then frowned.

"What is this!? Now I look even more gay then your pointy shoes!" He said pulling off the tie. "And aren't fairy godmothers meant to be women? What are you a transvestite!?"

The older man frowned. "No, but now you are!" And with a wave of his magical gun, Cloud was now wearing a violet satin dress.

Cloud screamed in horror. "I'm not GOING!"

Instantaneously a gun was a millimetre away from his head. Cloud cleared his throat. "Uhh Ok maybe I will..."

There was a satisfied grunt from Vincent. "Ok...now go get me some rats and a vegetable or something..."

Cloud decided not to argue this time and in the dress he walked over the kitchen, grabbed an onion and ran over to Vincent.

"...the rats...?"

"Oh...yeah!"

Cloud went over to his sister's beds and grabbed a few and gave them to the pale man.

Vincent nodded and grabbed the 'ingredients' and in a poof there was a ragged cape lying in the floor that slid out the door.

Cloud blinked. "You can't just scab my crap you-"

"I'm outside knobhead!" the man's voice echoed from a distance.

Cloud ran outside to see a giant onion with a door and wheels. The 'carriage' had reins that were attached to what seemed like three giant mutant rats that were foaming at the mouth.

Vincent pushed him into the giant onion, with tears in his eyes... (cos of the onion).

"Now you must come back before midnight otherwise the magic will be gone and you'll be chased home by giant mutant rats, holding an onion." He said.

"I thought you said all magic will be broken...what about the rats?" He asked.

"Oh I kept them like that permanently...because I don't like you much." He replied.

The carriage started to leave because the rats were getting restless, and the giant onion took off to the castle.

"Ok Goodluck anyway!" Vincent called out, then poofed into his cape and wafted away in the cool night breeze.

When Cinderella Strife arrived at the impressive looking castle, he heard the music boom deep from inside. The gates were wide open, with no one to guard them so Cloud decided to walk on in.

When he walked in all eyes turned on him and stared. Cloud stood there in the awkward silence. _'Aw...crap it's the hair isn't it...?'_ He thought dimly.

Cloud shrugged it off and walked over to where the food was. It was all laid out in vibrant colours and designs. Just before Cloud could dig in (which was pretty much the reason why he bothered coming...that and that he would've died if he didn't), he was tapped on the shoulder.

Cloud turned to see a handsome young man with onyx hair that was spiked out at the back. He pushed his bangs out of his eyes and put a hand out.

Cloud stared at his hand. "...What?"

"Would you care to dance...?"

"Not interested."

Prince Zack seemed a little taken back. "What...?"

"Not interested."

The prince then chuckled. "Don't be shy now!" He grabbed Cinderella Stife's hand and pulled him onto the dance floor.

After 5 minutes of hell the two stood by the balcony. Cloud needed the fresh air and Zack wanted to get the hell away from three annoying women (?) that were begging him to dance.

Prince Zack turned to Cloud and flashed him a dashing smile. "Somehow that crap you call dancing has made me fall in love with you..." he said as sweetly as he could. "I would kiss you right now...but you smell like onions..."

There was a silent sigh of relief from Cloud.

"You were a pretty crappy dancer too..."

"Thanks..."

The two gazed into each other's unnaturally blue glowing eyes. It was broken, however by the beeping of the giant digital clock.

"Crap! Time to be chased by mutant rats!"

"What?"

"Sorry I gotta go!"

And with that Cloud jumped from the balcony, got up from landing on his face and jumped in what seemed like a giant onion and sped off. Prince Zack sighed..."He-err-She...no...He was the one...I wont stop until I pursue my love!" He declared valiantly and made a royal proclamation to find his Cinderella and to be on the lookout for giant onions and/or giant mutant rats.

Halfway home the carriage had changed back and the rats didn't, so Cloud ran all the way back home, shutting the door and locking it as he entered with various cuts and scratches.

The rats decided to wait for him outside his door, so there they slept.

Cloud quickly began tidying up the small cottage, in around half an hour he passed out from blood loss.

When Cloud had awoken he was face to face with his prince charming. _'Holy crap...is this some kind of horrifying nightmare...?' _He thought opening his eyes.

"It's YOU!" an excited prince exclaimed. "All I had to do was follow the scent of onions! Then I saw your pets eating some fat guy with silver hair and I knew it was you!"

Cloud rose up and rubbed his eyes to see a glaring Sephiroth and only two of his annoying stepsisters.

"The rats ate Loz...? That's cool!" Cloud said bringing a rare smile to face.

Prince Zack then swept the dazed Cloud off his feet and proceeded out the door.

"Wait!"

The two turned to see an apologetic crew of silver-haired people. Sephiroth arose and bowed lowly.

"Before you go Cloud...I'd like to share my deepest apologies." He said. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness...but I only wish to serve to the new king and queen as their knight and to protect you always...as an apology..."

Yazoo and Kadaj peered up at Cloud with the same apologetic look on their faces.

"What do you say, Cloud?" Zack asked him.

Cloud thought for a moment and then a big grin appeared on his face. The silver-haired crew looked up at him with hope.

"You three can all...GO TO HELL! Go suck-up to someone else ya bastards!" He said.

Zack shrugged. "That's what I love about you darling." He said smiling.

"Shut up! I'm only going with you cos you're rich!"

An enraged Sephiroth then sprouted a single raven wing. "You ungrateful bastard!" He hissed. "I'm now gonna go live in a crater, kill a cute chick by stabbing her through the back and make plans for a giant meteor to hit the earth!"

Cloud snorted. "Like..._that_ will happen!"

"Can we come, father?" Kadaj and Yazoo asked.

"...No"

And with that Sephiroth had vanished from sight. Kadaj and Yazoo began to be chased by giant rats and Zack married Cloud in hope for children. And...most...some of them lived happily ever after.

The end...

**So...how did you like it...? Was it ok! This is my first time doing a humour fic, so please don't hate me! Also if you really liked any of those characters (ehem...especially one's that got eaten) please **

**don't be offended! I'm sorry. Anyway think I should continue? Please review and tell me what you think! (Oh yeah sorry about typo's and stuff I was rushing!) Ok! **


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